in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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