My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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