one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You ate ashes out of my bong
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
