Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
