i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
