Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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