gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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