Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
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I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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