finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
God gave him joint rollers for hands
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
