You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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