She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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