we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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