If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
