i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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