My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
