he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
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We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
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Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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