mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
