I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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