no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
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You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize