i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
