It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
