I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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