I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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