Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
