piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
