I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
