dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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