don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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