Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
