bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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