I heard we made out
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
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And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
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For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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