If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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