I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
