I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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