i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
