I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
