Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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