my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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