I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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