i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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