Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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