Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
