I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
