my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
