I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
