this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
sarcasm needs its own font
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
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