Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Success! We fucked roommates!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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