Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
