I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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