By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
