and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
