His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
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Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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