Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
