genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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