He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
