Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
