I wish my penis had an off switch
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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