someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night