i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
