I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
