It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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