hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize