alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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