I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
