85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
