haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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