my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
