This dress was meant to end up on your floor
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
