i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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